Vintage Letter

Dear friends,
I was reading a very old book, "Manual of Tea Producing Companies", by de Zoete & Bevan, 25 Finsbury Circus, London Stock Exchange, London, EC2M 7EE. Hereunder I would like to share this here with you.

I have always maintained, no tea is bad. It's just that some teas are better, and that's the reason this industry functions the way it does. Similarly, here too I implore upon you not to find good or bad, or feel offended by some of the text of the letter, or to construe any meaning at all. Just sip it like a vintage cup of tea.
Tea Cheers!
Jayesh S Pandya

Tea for Two
(An unexpurgated application for tea garden vacancy in Ceylon)

Most honoured and respectable Sir,
Having come to understand that you require the services of a trustwothy and sober Tea-maker clerck, I humbly beg to apply for the vacancy in fervent hopes that your honour will favourably consider same and bestow upon me this blessing for my ability and every prayer.

I am unmarried Hambantonian aged 36 years of respectable parents(now deceases R.I.P) of same province. Now I am poor orphan with no any support and imancipated condition, tossed hither and tither llike compost upon the billows of high seas in monsoon time, daily with empty stomach, but under the wing of your honours care and in the security of your honours family bosom, I am having full hopes like bride on night of honeymoon, to throw away poverty out of the window and bring prosperity through the door.

I have received a good education at Ananda Suriyadala College in Hambantota, and passed Matric with full honours by the fertile brain and can give all information by dilligent study of the encyclopedia when required, owing to untimely surmise of my deceased father and no money I was unable to take up my B.A degree which I pass simply. When I dismiss the college I learn Tea-making under my paternal uncle at Galle, by latest methods in reversible wither and mist chambers according to T.R.I. I also come to know in that time some secret tricks to extract that subtle flavours from tea leaves lurking in the bowels of the rollers like honey in the honey comb, and can take liquors with 20 good colour and sparkle like diamond in Queen's tarart when Colombo brokers see that they will elevate the prices to height in Pedro; sometimes on bombastic competition on meserable fellow suprintendents like Boot on Adders head in the Garden of Allah.

In machineries and oil engines I have some knowledge which I experienced in Cocoanut Mill. Also in electricity I know to take the current in night times from phiphony of commutator by means of H.T wire. Factory I will keep so clean like dining-rooms in Queens' Hotel and your honour can come and see day and night with eyes closed.

Field works I know top to bottom, and can milk the rubber trees in many ways to show profit on care and maintenance. I learn all about compost from venerable Mr. M.F. the Holy Father of Compost. I can take full work from the Tamils (high and low caste) and crafty Sinhalese at reduced cost. They does not know to humbug me my milk in mouth and venom in belly like honourable state Councillors playing Harry and Dick with Taxpayers money.

For clerical work I am expert. Estate accounts can be my double and single and cover up mistakes so that even no greedy eye of Colombo Agents can find out and make trouble.
If your honour will give charge of rice store in this business, i also know some tricks which i learn from my late cousin in Govt. Service (P.W.D) who retired on completion of duties with good circumstances and also pension. By some methods Ican supply your honour and family with requirements and cover up. For this I do not require any salary and can manage somehow by hook and crook.

When your honour go to access the Estate I like to come also and get some presents here and there for your honour's early retirement in Mother Country.

Like humble flea on belly of Noble visiting Agent I hope to receive your honour's favourable reply and oblige.

In duty bound I will ever pray in loud voice night and day on my family's bended knees and prostituting myself at your honour's great feet.

I beg to remain,
your obedient servant,
Sd/-
P.S. If you wish I can come suddenly.